Seeing 2020

You know how at the beginning of the New Year you hear a ton of people saying, “This is going to be my year.  Great things are going to happen”.  It’s the philosophy you want to have, right?  Maybe for some they even need this philosophy in order to find the strength to keep moving on.  I know the feeling all too well to be honest.  It’s hard when you think back on the struggles and hardships that you have overcome to think that there’s a possibility that you will have to endure yet another year of stress and pain.  That you will sit back and have to fight that battle yet again or even a different kind of battle.  It’s almost as if… when will it end?  It’s that never ending quote “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.”  Well listen God… I get you think that I’m strong… but cut a girl some slack will you?

However, at the same point… this year… I have a slightly different kind of mentality going in to it.  Maybe this won’t be my year… Maybe it won’t be the year that finally makes the struggle worth it all.  But maybe… it will be yet another year that will bring me a new kind of joy because even though every year has brought it’s own kind of struggle and battle for me to face, it has also brought a new kind of joy each and every year.  Some years it might have been a bit bigger piece of joy than others, but a new kind in itself.  A new form of peace that I didn’t have before.  A new piece of the puzzle that will one day display the amazing picture that is my life and when it comes to puzzles, every single piece is necessary in order for the picture to display properly.   Each piece fits in its own unique place and each piece holds a necessary place in the picture.

2016

Motherhood

2016 was an incredible year for me.  That year I was pregnant with twins and suffered from a severe case of Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which is a super fancy name for the worst case of morning sickness.  It lasted from 4 weeks pregnant to 34 weeks pregnant.  30 straight weeks of puking my guts out and barely able to eat anything because everything burned or made me sick.  On top of that, I moved from MA to NJ driving one car alone while all the guys piled in to the moving truck.  Just me, the dogs, a lizard, a car filled to the rim with stuff and a bucket tied around my neck in case I had to puke while driving.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?  Then when I was about 16 weeks pregnant with twins, I was let go from my job.  Now I had severance until the end of my pregnancy but who can afford an apartment that is $2500 a month, newborn twins, food and more on just one salary?  So we moved in with my mom shortly before the twins were born.  I also went through a lot of complicating things in my relationship while pregnant which really didn’t make anything else any easier to go through and handle.  However… that year I became a mom and man alive… these kids are everything to me.  I can’t imagine life without them and adore every waking minute of being their mom.  Yes… even the times that they are fighting, trashing my house and just being overall turds, I absolutely love being their mom.

2017

Fighter

In 2017, I went back to work full time.  The kids were now officially 6 months old and I was ready to send them off to daycare.  We found the absolute best daycare, which was affordable and made me feel incredibly comfortable leaving them there all day Monday through Friday.  I started at this job as an HR coordinator.  It was a good job but definitely wasn’t somewhere where I wanted to start my career.  But for now, it paid the bills.  About 2 months in to that job I got a call from a different company (actually next door to my job at the time) that they had my resume from a few months ago but they had a position that I was great fit for.  I figured what could I lose?   I already had a job so even if it didn’t work out, I would be okay.  Plus I wouldn’t even need a day off to go for the interview; I could just walk next door on my lunch break.  So there I went for my interview and I felt that it went really well.  I was pumped.  This seemed like a better company and one where I could really actually grow.  In the end though, I never heard back.  Even the recruiter couldn’t figure it out because she was under the impression that everyone loved me and was ready to hire me.  All was good though because in the end, I still had a job so it wasn’t as if I was going to be incredibly stressed like at the end of most job interviews.  So I went back to my normal day and then the recruiter called me back saying she wasn’t sure why I didn’t get the job with the original executive but that there was someone else interested in interviewing me and if it went well, they would go ahead and offer me that position.  Slightly better title and possibly a better position overall.  So I went to the interview.  That was where I met my current boss and started my career as a Business Coordinator for this IT firm.  Unfortunately, even though the year seemed to be starting really well, it didn’t seem to stay that way.  I loved my job and met some great people there but when I went to the doctor for a yearly checkup, it did not go as well as one would hope.  That would start my 6-month battle of going back and forth to the doctor, being incredibly sick for months and putting up one of the hardest battles I’ve had to in a very long time.  This came with constantly being in pain, living chained to a bathroom or even just a bucket when I didn’t have the energy to move.  It came with lots of handholding and back rubs in any effort possible to make it slightly easier for me.  I went every day without telling my job, as I was terrified that I would be fired or be held back since I had already lost a job before due to being a mother.  I mean… if a job can fire, you for doing something natural, why wouldn’t a job let you go for something that you can’t even control but can hold you back?  But in 2017, I also was able to move out of my mom’s house and in to my own apartment.  It wasn’t the best apartment, the complex had a ton of issues but we were finally on our own and had some space to ourselves.

2018

Strength

In 2018, I was tested beyond measures than I ever really thought were possible for me.  My relationship had hit an all-time low and I wasn’t sure where we would end up going from there.  He needed to figure some things out in his life and to be honest I was pretty lost myself.  I had put everything in me in to this relationship and the kids that I forgot to put any energy in to myself.  I guess I just kind of figured that this is what you do.  You go to work, go to school (online), take care of the kids, take care of the house and when everyone grew up and was self-sufficient, you could make time for yourself again.  But in reality, that isn’t healthy.  When you lose yourself and you don’t even really love yourself, you’re not even able to be in a relationship where you have to love someone else.  At the end of the day, in order to be the best you can be in a relationship, any kind for that matter, you have to be the best self that you can be first.  You can’t be the best mom that you can be without taking care of yourself first.  You can’t be the best girlfriend/wife without loving yourself first.  It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy, you need to find that happiness first and then share it with them.  Then once that seemed to settle down, Christmas hit and everything came crumbling down.  Christmas Eve 2018, our apartment building burned down.  In that apartment was everything I’ve ever owned since my parents just sold my childhood house and I had everything from my childhood there.  All of the kids first toys, clothes, everything.  Gone.  All of my clothes, furniture, everything, gone.  Everything I’ve bought over the years…Almost everything I’ve ever known down to every pair of shoes since I was only wearing slippers on my way out.  After everything I’ve gone through… every battle I’ve taken on… this one really almost broke me.  But it was almost as if I didn’t let it for a long time.  I didn’t let anything sink in or even fully acknowledge or accept what happened.  I just kept going and saying, “I have to figure things out for the kids… I can’t fall apart right now”.  I think part of me knew that if I let everything really in, I let myself feel it… that I was going to break, and at that point the kids needed me to be strong and get through this.  The dogs went to one of their Godfather’s house and my job put us up in a hotel for a month.  Melody went from sleeping through the night in her own bed to being terrified to fall asleep unless you were cuddling with her and both kids regressed on potty training.  All they did was ask when we could go back home.  How do you explain to a 2 year old that we can’t go back home because right now we don’t have a home?  Even people at my job asked me all the time… how are you even here and not falling apart?  All I could say to them was “My kids need me to stay strong right now.”  But we got through it.  It wasn’t easy and it’s changed a whole hell of a lot for us but day by day, we got through it and came out better on the other side.

2019

Love

2019 was off to a truly horrible start since we were homeless, had nothing to our name and still had to keep moving on and getting through life.  Even after all of that 2019 came with a hell of a lot of struggles for me.  Some that I’m not even ready to even discuss/disclose but I kept thinking… “I’m going to get through this…I have to”.  Wouldn’t it be nice to just be like ehhh this is just too hard, I need a break and actually get one?  Does this perfect world actually exist?  Why is it that they say God only tests you and gives you as much as He knows that you can handle?  I’m not going to lie, there are plenty of nights that I have looked up to the sky and been like “You need to absolutely chill dude… I can’t do this anymore”.  So many times where I couldn’t afford my rent or bills.  “Apply for assistance.  You definitely should get some if you can’t afford things.”  Let’s see… I make $42 over the limit!  Super… Man that $42 sure does come in handy!  Soon enough though… we got through it.  Then summer of 2019 came and I began to find myself again, to love myself again.  Maybe I didn’t have the body that I used to have, maybe I look a lot more tired than I used to and maybe I’m not as carefree and fun, but look at all that I have accomplished.  I work full time, raise these minions, am in school full time and have gotten through a whole hell of a lot these past few years.  Look at where we are now.  I have a lot to be proud of and a lot to feel good about.  I’m no longer going to let things get me down or make me feel like I’m not good enough.  I feel like I have accomplished so much and it definitely wasn’t easy to get to where I am now.

Now here we are… starting the new year of 2020 and I can say without a doubt that this year is starting a million times better already.  I was officially promoted; I’m running an entire client at my job and assisting with several others.  The kids start pre-k in September and both are fully potty-trained.  Even things in my personal life are starting to turn around.  I think a good New Year Resolution for myself is to make sure that I continue loving myself because it really seems like the more that I feel good about myself, the more my life seems to really turn around.

Stay tuned Xo

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