It is crazy to think about where your life once was. How you could usually be found at a local bar/club or out with your friends. Then you look at yourself now and see all that you are willing to do for your kids. You are now a mom squished into a toddler bed while your tiny human sleeps in the spare bed next to you since you dare not wake him by attempting to transfer him back. However, you also do not want to risk that he will hear your silent footsteps leave the room and attempt to sleep in your king size bed. So there you are… a full-grown 5’7 adult squished into a toddler sized boxed in bed frame just so that your tiny human stays asleep and quiet.
In case, we have not fully met… Hi. I’m Kara and I’m starting to think that not many people out there know the real me…The me that everyone should really know. My name is Kara and I am a 28-year-old mom to twins who will be three years old on Monday. I went to Queens College and was a member of the Phi Sigma Sigma sorority, although I’m quite positive that about ¾ of the girls there would probably rather that I wasn’t. I never fit in to the popular crowd. Not that I didn’t have any friends, I had a ton, but I just never fit in to the popular group. Honestly, I usually fit in more with males (let’s face it… none of them were/are mature enough for me to refer to them as men), which in turn usually can land you a bad reputation even if it isn’t true. I used to think down on myself a lot because of all of this. Even if most of everything that people were saying wasn’t true, I still let it take over how I felt about myself. So in return, I always felt that I needed someone else to validate who I was and validate that I meant something. In return, I ended up losing a lot of friendships that way but in some ways, I don’t really regret it. I think making those mistakes, growing in to the person that I am now was necessary, and I came out stronger than I was before. Ever since I started this blog/website, I wanted to have a way for myself to be just that… myself. To let go of things that I was struggling with and to have a place where it didn’t matter what anyone else thought. I could just be me, let out everything I needed to let out and whether anyone read it or not, in my own way… I was heard. My struggles were heard. Who knows… maybe I could even help another person along the way. However, lately I have had life pile it on so thick that I haven’t had any time for myself to release anything. I have been keeping so much in and trying to continue to put on a brave face but I’m starting to fail at it. So here I am. I should be home baking cupcakes for my kids’ birthday party tomorrow but I realized… they are three. They won’t know if the cakes/cupcakes I make are perfect. They won’t know that I have been killing myself to make sure that everything went well. Honestly, they may not even know the difference whether two people show up or 20 people show. Honestly let’s face it… they probably won’t even hang out with me much that day either. Their nana and their Aunt KK will be there, there will be bubbles and might even run over to the playground in our complex. Therefore, I decided to finally take the 10 minutes of quiet time that I had and have some time where I’m not arguing with toddlers or being interrupted every 5 minutes. Have you ever noticed that you constantly look back at the body/life that you once hated and think, “Why did I ever hate my body then? Why was I ever miserable then compared to what I have now?” I read something today that said, “This proves to you that it wasn’t the body that you hated”. It got me thinking a lot about that. Especially since lately, all I do is envy my old body. I sit back and wish that I had the same figure that I had back then yet back then… all I did was criticize myself. I needed to be thinner than I was even though I was 30 lbs. lighter than I am now. I constantly wished that I was thinner…prettier… better all around. However, in reality… I was unhappy with myself… with my situation. Not my body. Not my looks. Nothing superficial. I just wasn’t happy with my life in general. I hated my job even though I never admitted that to anyone. I hated working from home where I never interacted with anyone aside from on the phone. I hated that I had no life. However, it wasn’t my body that was the problem. So flash forward to now… is my body really the problem this time or is it some other underlying cause that I’m struggling with? Maybe it isn’t the 30 lbs. extra that I’m unhappy with. Maybe it isn’t my looks or anything physical with me at all. Maybe there is something else. Life has been kicking my ass a lot lately. I’ve been working full time, in school full time, and juggling toddlers’ full time. It truly does exhaust the crap out of you when you’re essentially working three full time jobs. Especially because apparently… my toddlers sleep worse than newborns. My daughter has about 300 excuses as to why she cannot fall asleep and continuously comes out to tell me them for hours. She relentlessly tries to do whatever she possibly can to delay having to go to bed right away. Sometimes it’s cute…sometimes it’s annoying (especially when she comes out and says her toe hurts and I need to kiss it). Is all I need just some more me time? Is it something else? On the other hand, deep down… am I really just unhappy with how I look? I feel like the struggles are endless the older that you get. It seems as though the older you get, the more that life thinks you can handle and I would like to respectfully disagree. But maybe the first step I need to take is to finally fully give myself at least an hour a day where I’m not doing anything for anyone else or doing anything more than just a little bit of self-care. Whether it may be working more on my designs (especially since when I was actively working on them… I was making side $$) or maybe I finally let go and work more on this website. I keep preaching on here that I was going to really open up here and not hold anything back yet I really haven’t gotten the chance to do that. Or rather, I still care a bit about what others might say. But in reality… of any of the famous authors/bloggers/vloggers out there nowadays… which ones are the most well known? The ones that fully let you in to their lives, don’t hold anything back and really open up? Or is it the ones that are too afraid of what others might say? Food for thought. I promise I will be back this time. Maybe it really is time to crack open my shell and not be afraid anymore. Maybe it really doesn’t matter what others might think and just really let myself and my struggles go.