Hello post-partum body… We haven’t exactly been friends lately but I’m beginning to appreciate everything that you technically somewhat stand for. I think about my old body, my old self and I begin to miss how I used to look. I begin to miss not dreading a bathing suit. I honestly begin hating myself for always thinking I was fat and now I’m like “Hey Lady… you wasted all that time punishing yourself when you looked amazing!”
However, that body didn’t carry two little babies. That body also worked from home and had all the time in the world to exercise, sleep right and eat way healthier.
Is that an excuse? Definitely not. Does that help me to feel better about myself? A little bit, yes.
I honestly had a rough time physically, emotionally and mentally these past 2 ½ years. The twins’ dad and I have gone through many really incredibly rough times and I would stress myself out over things that to me made my health and my well-being less important. I didn’t have the fairytale pregnancy that everyone talks and dreams about…I didn’t have those magical moments in the hospital when the babies were born. Then after they were born, I was alone a lot too. Then it was just a trickling water fountain that kept on coming; me neglecting myself and not doing better for myself. In my head, I was fighting to keep myself alive so I didn’t care about what I ate or if my clothes didn’t fit anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I do not once feel that I just didn’t think about myself nor am I diminishing how hard it was for me to fight to stay alive. Post-partum depression mixed with all of the health issues I have endured, I honestly feel lucky that I was strong enough to keep myself alive. Now I wanted to get the old me back.
This past summer Ryan and I decided to fully dedicate ourselves to just being co-parents and rocking it. That time alone really opened my eyes to myself. I realized how long I have truly neglected myself and how I am not who I used to be. I stepped out of my comfort zone; I focused on myself and how to make me happy again. I started going out with friends, I bought myself some new clothes and started just trying to find myself again. I also stopped beating myself up over my body. Yes, it’s bigger than before and I have rolls and stretch marks. However, it doesn’t mean that I can’t look sexy or still be attractive. It just means I have to buy different clothes or different sizes.
I look at all of these women who are a lot bigger than I am and they are just rocking these outfits with such confidence. I kept thinking…”that should be me”. I am just as pretty as these girls are and I can rock an outfit just like them. Whether I lose the weight or not, it doesn’t mean that, my body is no longer attractive. Just means I am different than I was 3 years ago.
However, that body did not carry two babies to full term. That body did not miss any sleep for a crying child. That body did not skip meals or just eat the scraps off their kids’ plates. That body did not get up and even go to an office every day.
I worked from home at the time. I had all the time in the world to exercise while working or time to make a healthier meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now I work full time in an office, I have two kids to get dressed and ready. I drop them at daycare, run to work, then run back to pick them up at 5. Then I have to make them dinner, chase them around so that they’re tired. Then it’s bath, bed and still waking up with James a few times a night. This body is tired. This body is working hard as it is.
Therefore, if I want to try to lose a little bit of weight, I have to do something because it works for me and feels good. I can’t pressure myself or punish myself for not being able to look or be as I was before. So I started a fasting diet. Where I eat for 8 hours and fast for 16. I honestly thought it sounded impossible, but once you start it and you really stick to it, it really isn’t as hard as you’d think. I’m honestly so full by the time the 8 hours are up, I’m not even hungry or even tempted to eat more. Plus I feel like it has completely detoxed my body. I don’t feel that extra bloat or that gross feeling I constantly felt. It was as if I could feel the built up weight I had just slowly going away. Maybe it wasn’t even actual fat that I was getting rid of; maybe just the weight I was feeling on my shoulders was lessening. I was doing things for myself to feel good about myself. Not to impress anyone else. Not to ensure someone else would think I was good enough. Just for me. All for me. I hadn’t been able to do this for myself in a long time. It was almost as if things were falling in line with everything all of a sudden.
I was able to get out of my lease and get in to a brand new car. I signed another year lease on my apartment. My latest tests from the doctor came back ALL CLEAR for the first time in I don’t know how long. Ryan got himself a car, which James calls the “baby car” and it was like things were coming together for everyone in all aspects. Maybe all that was needed was a step back. Press pause on life for a minute and breathe. I realized all that I was missing out on and all that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit for. These kids are intelligent, developing beautifully and are just all around amazing. I was missing out on even just appreciating the little things with them. But I refused to let myself do that anymore. I was going to get myself back and do it with a good, strong head on my shoulders.
Depression can affect you in many different ways. Even if you are strong enough to not be a victim of suicide, it doesn’t mean that your struggle or battle everyday isn’t hard. Make time for yourself and don’t beat yourself up. You are beautiful and amazing inside and out. Tell yourself that every day. Trust me… it helps and others will notice it which will make you even more noticeable. You could be 100 lbs. or you could be 300 lbs. and I promise you, someone will think you’re the most amazing, beautiful thing to ever walk this Earth. Do not let depression win.