This past year I went through a lot. I honestly felt more alone than I have ever felt before. I think is surprisingly also the weakest I have ever been. I let people dictate things with my kids and not stand up for what I wanted or what I thought was right. I constantly let people undermine me and make me feel like I did not know what was best for my family or me. I let my depression take over and just dictate my attitude and my whole life even. I ruined many relationships and lost long friendships. I did not go out much; I did not do anything but be a mom and go to work. Even when I was home with the kids, I let everything take over. I spent so many days wrapped under the blankets just watching television all the time. I kept putting up a front and only showing everyone the cold or numb side of everything. I was not letting myself feel anything anymore because I did not want to be vulnerable or rejected. I ended up pushing everyone away and shutting everyone out before they could reject me.
In some ways without me even fully knowing, I was self-destructing. I wanted to be a better person, a better mom, and just have a better life. However, I wasn’t doing anything to help that along. I wasn’t even trying anymore. I was falling behind in work, school, being a mom and even my health. I was a real mess and I just knew that I had to fix my life and get back out there again. Was I ready to be single, be completely on my own, and be confident in that fact? Was I ready to date? I couldn’t even think about any of that even though it kept being pushed upon me. I just wanted to be better for me. I realized I couldn’t be the mom I wanted to be if I didn’t even like myself. I wasn’t doing anything that I used to love doing and wasn’t even trying anymore.
So…I started with baking. I decided I was going to at least start getting back into baking and experimenting there. Then I started cooking new recipes again. I kept pushing myself until I realized that I could do it. Even if I was all alone, I could do this. So I kept going from there. I started reaching out to friends more and making plans going out. I started being a bit more firm about my rules with the twins and started getting them a bit more organized. They even surprised me with how much I was missing. That pushed me even more. I realized that all this time I had completely missed milestones that they had gone through and I was determined not to miss another minute.
I kept pushing myself and continued surprising myself with each step I took. Maybe some didn’t believe in me, maybe some were frustrated that it took me this long to get there, but the ones that truly cared about me were just happy to see me finally getting myself back.
I finally just decided to let go of the pain and hurt that I have been feeling. I decided to just start fresh and get myself back. I honestly took it as a sign that I was moving in the right direction when this cupcake class finally came back to Groupon so I snatched up 2 tickets right away. I dyed my hair, I’ve put together some new recipes, I’ve tried new things with the kids, and I have even gone out and drank way more than I probably should have. But I finally feel like I have myself back. Whether it took me a few days, a few months or even this whole year, it’s still a huge growth for me and I feel better about myself. I feel like I’m back to the girl who could walk in somewhere feeling confident and sure of herself.
So here I am… attempting to put all of the last pieces back together and start all brand new. I start my new math class next week, I have to resolve the issues of my car lease ending and I just signed the lease to stay in my apartment for another year. My sister and I also just opened our own business. It hasn’t fully launched due to the fact that I’m an overachiever and know I need to put together some new designs but it felt good to get some positive feedback on the ones I was able to put together so far. I’m honestly in denial that it is about to be September of 2018. Is it possible to slow down time just a bit? Or maybe find a way to make up for the time that I lost while I was trying to find myself again? Maybe that’s not a good way to think about it though. Maybe I needed that time to fall apart to come back stronger than I ever was before. Maybe everything does really happen for a reason. Maybe this will really pay off in the end. Only one way to find out here folks…