I Struggle.

emotion

“You’re way too mopey”

“You’re too sensitive”

“Can you stop crying already? You’re an adult”

 

Have any of you ever heard those said to you? I know that I have. It’s crazy to think how little people really understand or even give a damn about others mental health. The worst part is that people diminish depression saying that it is not a true illness. When I was battling cancer, no one ever told me to suck it up and stop puking. No one ever told me that I didn’t need chemotherapy to beat it and that I just needed to move on with my life. That’s not a way to cure cancer. I cannot just wish it away because trust me if I had been able to, I would have (and saved myself a decent amount of money). However, for some reason people constantly nitpick at those who are struggling within themselves. Whether they say that they don’t need medication to be stronger with things or that going to therapy is embarrassing/weird. I especially can’t stand when people look at me and go

                ‘You’re 27… why the hell are you crying? Grow up’

As if adults cannot cry when they are overwhelmed with emotions. First off, just because you handle your emotions differently, does not mean you can dictate how I handle mine. Adults can yell, cry, scream, and they should still be considered a mature adult. Personally, I would say that an adult is strong for releasing those emotions instead of harboring them inside. It isn’t easy to sit back and admit that you are struggling with depression or other mental illnesses. I have had so many people shut me down numerous times for me struggling with mine. Enough is enough already. If there is someone out there that needs to take Zoloft or a medication similar to that to get through his or her days, THEN SO BE IT. You would never judge a diabetic for taking insulin, would you?

I have been struggling for a long time with all kinds of different things in my life and sometimes I feel that I have to hide how hard it is for me. I’m told to just move on with my life, things happen and they’re over with, get over it. Let me tell you one thing, IT IS NOT EASY. I have so many different emotions that it’s hard to even fully describe how I’m feeling. Maybe it would be depression, maybe it would be classified as something else, but what I do know is that it is a constant battle I have every single day.

If I get overwhelmed at work due to stress from my co-workers or I made a mistake on a project, I have to keep my emotions in check and calm myself down. That is hard sometimes to do. Thankfully, I have an incredible boss who has explained to me that in those aspects, walk away from it, take a step back and breathe before responding back to some people. However, some days it’s hard to keep your emotions in check, especially if you have other things going on in your life aside from just work. Maybe it is a bit easier to walk away from the computer and not attack the person on the other end, but it is hard to keep your game face on. I can’t even count how many times I have teared up or even fully cried at my desk. I also don’t have a private office so anyone could have easily walked by and saw but sometimes I get so overwhelmed with things, it just happens. That’s okay though. It’s healthy to get it out and then think “Okay… now how do I fix this?” However, sometimes there are so many things piled on your plate, that just doing that will not be enough.

When I am at work, I can’t fully let everything out that I have going on. When I get home from work, I have two kids to pick up and take care of and they break down if they see mommy break down. So in essence, I can’t cry or release anything while they’re awake. I can tell you that there are some nights where at 9-10 PM I am sitting in a ball on my kitchen floor just letting it all out. Why is it that some people think I choose to live like this and that it isn’t hard for me to just get over that and feel better? Also think about it this way, people are lectured all the time about “sharing too much” of their personal life to others, yet its okay to shame those when they tell someone that will keep it confidential? I hate that sometimes I feel like I can’t log on to my blog and say all that I have going on in my life. But unfortunately, right now there are things that if I were to put them out there, it would just cause more problems instead of helping them.

 

Therefore, I struggle.

 

I struggle every day to keep a smile on my face whether it is a fake one or a real one. But I do it so that my kids can have happy mommy and not sad mommy. But I refuse to be shamed for struggling with the things I have going on.

I struggle with the fact that I have two kids who are constantly sick due to either teething or germs.

I struggle with having one child who still wakes up every 2 hours for water, which also means a lot of diaper changes or I risk getting peed on.

I struggle with knowing that I’m doing a good enough job as their mom even if they are not excelling as fast as other children their age.

I struggle with not having as many friends as I wish I had.

I struggle with not getting to socialize as much with adults.

I struggle with loneliness.

I struggle with the relationship I have with the twin’s father.

I struggle with things him and I have gone through in the past and some that are in the present.

I struggle with the weight that I have put on due to stress/emotional eating.

I struggle with feeling as if I am good enough or worth anything.

I shouldn’t be embarrassed or be shamed for crying a lot. I shouldn’t be shamed for struggling to smile every day. It isn’t always easy to be positive about your life or feel that things will be okay in the end. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to struggle with yourself. It’s okay to need help. We all need to stop hurting one another and start thinking about the impact our words and actions have on one another. It’s not hard to look at someone and pay them a compliment. Sometimes when you are battling so many of your own demons, it is wonderful to have time stopped and someone acknowledge something great about you or your life.

These past few weeks have been incredibly hard weeks for me and I have been killing myself just to hide my pain from my kids. I’ve broken down a few times at work (once in my boss’ office), I’ve broken down several nights at home and I’ve struggled with so many things that I wish I wasn’t dealing with. I have had such a negative outlook because it hasn’t seemed like anything will turn around for me.

Then just like that… I got a sign that things will be okay. Yesterday neither of my kids napped, it was raining and we were supposed to get pictures done at a park in Freehold. I cried for an hour thinking that everything I had hoped for was just ruined. Then the sky opened up. The rain stopped. The kids stopped screaming. They got dressed and the pictures came out beautifully.

Then this morning I had a rough morning with Ryan, the twin’s father. I sat and thought that well this is now going to set the tone for my Mother’s Day weekend.   Then my boss called me… He wanted to acknowledge all of the hard work I’ve been doing and praise me on all of the effort I’ve been putting in. Just like that, my day changed. My mood changed.

It’s not that hard to help someone. Sometimes it is as easy as saying… Hey…you’re a total bad ass for managing all that you do.

 

nice butt

 

XOXO

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