So when I started making my own official website and domain I said that I was going to write at least one entry every week and make time for just myself to do this. Writing has a way of making me feel happy and letting out emotions that I have regarding things. But lately I’ve hit a bit of a mental block. I’ve had a lot going on personally and I just couldn’t think of the right way to put it in to words. I kept thinking back on everything I have had going on and couldn’t find a way to let it out without causing drama.
When I first started my blog I was lectured constantly about the things that I posted. I either posted too much or I didn’t post enough about things. If I was too personal on my posts, I was getting lectured that there was no need to tell the world everything about my personal life. But if I chose to not post at all about a certain subject, I was lectured about that too that I was acting as if it didn’t exist. It gave me so much anxiety constantly that I felt that maybe there wasn’t even a point to have my own blog. I was using it as a way to let things out and heal from things, but if all it was causing was more drama in my life, maybe I should just get rid of it completely.
The more I thought about it though was this, there is a way to go about things and there is also a way to just not care as much about what other people think. I agree that sometimes maybe you don’t share every single intimate detail on things, but sometimes it is necessary to do. Sometimes you just need to let it out. Every day there are more and more people bringing to light how important mental health issues are. If we cared more about people’s mental health state, maybe there wouldn’t be as much violence, suicide, etc. Maybe sometimes we have to sit back and support one another or just choose to let them live their life however they choose to do. If you don’t like what I have to say in my blog, there is a way to close my blog and not read it anymore. I will understand that not everyone wants to support me in this way. But I have struggled incredibly these past few years and I have kept so much bottled up inside (or at least filled my mom and sisters ears with a ton) and I’m tired of staying quiet about things. Yes maybe I shouldn’t be as blunt or as mean as I could be, but I shouldn’t have to hide completely from it all. I shouldn’t have to act like things are perfect the way that they are. I should be able to express myself, express my feelings, and tell my story.
With telling my story means that not everything is going to be pretty. There are going to be stories that are painful and some that you may say that I shouldn’t air out my dirty laundry. But maybe my story will help someone else to come to terms with a situation in their life or at least help them to feel that they aren’t alone. One thing I can assure you completely is that one of the worst feelings in the world is to feel completely alone. To feel that there’s no one else that would understand, no one else that can relate, it is incredibly painful. I don’t want to hide anymore. I don’t want to feel that I can’t write something that I’m feeling or share my story because it may piss someone off. I think that sometimes people are just so mean to me about things in my life and it’s like they are trying to tell me how to live it and I just can’t do it anymore.
So I guess this is my PSA… my blog isn’t always going to be sunshine and roses. My posts aren’t always going to be about the wonderful live I live. But it’ll be real. It will be a healthy balance of what my life really is. To me, that’s how I can truly live a healthy lifestyle. By not lying about things, by not hiding, by not sugar coating anything really. By being the real me. Who knows maybe you’ll like it and maybe you won’t. But at least I won’t be pretending to be someone I’m not just to please you.
I hope you will continue to stick around and support me though. Every little bit of support means a whole lot more than you’d think.